Monday, May 6

Todays the day ..

I never really talked about anxiety or depression on this blog because I feel like it's a form of weakness for me to admit there's something wrong. That's not Okay, and I envy the people who know themselves so well and don't feel ashamed or embarrassed to say the things they feel. However, here goes nothing. I've been smoking weed for awhile now, I use it as an anti depressant for me it works. Worked great until I sold my car about a year ago and had no where to smoke said weed. See I work for a company that's a call center and they bring in 3rd party contracts my line is cell phone technical support. I love learning about new phones they way they run and work on the network. What I don't like is the stress that comes from the job. Lack of tools is my biggest issue imagine that ur a doctor and ur gloves are missing because the truck didn't bring them and now you have patients who you can't operate on and it's not really your fault. Clearly one situation is a little more important but I'm just giving an example. At work sometimes my tools don't work so I can't do things like activate your new phone, or reset your voicemail because of something the 3rd party company did however it comes back to my fault even though it has nothing to do with my company but more so the cell phone provider, having someone yell at you day in and out over something you have no control over is frustrating. The worst part about it is there's no one to complain to, the only thing your manager will say is "we know, and the client already knows" great do you think u can send them a remind this shit still ain't fixed!! To be able to cope with my job and not become so stressed I started smoking weed in my car. Totally improved my attitude at work, I started wanting to be there. When I sold my car I had nowhere to smoke weed, so I moved to cigarettes. I hate the fact I have to smoke a cigarette it disgusts me to no end, but if I don't I can't even cope with the day.. unless I'm off BTW take a guess how many smokes I had when I was on vacation, 1. You try being lost in t. With no cell phone and millions of people everywhere cause the Jay's game just got out and your alone well you hope y pop ur brother is trying to find you, but that's another time it's def a funny blog worthy post.
The longer I stay at the job the more I get annoyed easily and angry at the drop of a hat. It can be someone not understanding how to turn a phone on  To not being able to punch out for lunch. It ruin my whole day I won't be able to shift my mood, at first the cigarette could control that but I hate the way they make me feel. At work my shift was changed my hours are to long and to random. Some days I'll work 11, or 12 hours some days I'll just work 4 hours  it stresses me out to not be able to have a set schedule I don't drive so every week I'm makin different arrangements for rides there's a bus in town but it's not exactly convenient since the bus I need totake to get home stops running an hour before my shifts ends.
Another issue that I'm having. A hard time with is my period. It gets been getting worse I cry about everything and anything and when I have my period it lasts 7 days + 2 -3 days of spotting before and after with horrible pain causing me to throw up and extreme back pain. All my life I've had easy periods 3-5days of bleeding and a day of hardly noticeable crapping. Complete opposite now. At times I'll be so mad and for no real reason. It's not only on my period, I can feel these bursts of anger at any point. Sometimes, more often the not I feel like I'm gunna lose it and snap on someone or hit someone. It's scary to feel like you can't control yourself,  So that's why in a little over an hour I'm heading to the family doctor to see what he can do, so keep me in ur prayers today homies I'm gunna need it!

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