Saturday, March 23

Why am i still "here"

On my bucket list one thing that I really wanted to do was move out of province, for atleast a year. I wanted to be uncomfortable. I wanted to know what it was like to have no one to rely on, to be completly on my own. See how I would make it. Well after having gone thru hell and back over the last 2 years I think I'm finally ready to take that step. I just wasnt sure to start, and i didnt know it at the time but if i left, I would of just been running from my problems, and I wouldnt have the answers to the questions I've been asking my whole life.

The only issue was I felt needed, and I felt like if I left I'd be letting down all the people who I thought really needed me. When I moved back home after my boozing situation feel out of hand and I found myself with no job about to be kicked out from my first apt without a care in the world, because I had booze and with booze my life was complete. Clearly it wasnt..I moved back home, it was only going to be temp until I found a job, and could you know live again without being a drunk and could make it back out on my own again. Befor I knew it it was well over a year, and I felt like they were dependant on me, for a sitter and for money, the thought of leaving them STRESSED ME OUT. Shortly after I met Ryan, again. *he was THAT guy from my teenage years,first crush/first kiss/first "love" he moved away when I was 16, and this was the first time in almost 7 years that I was about to see him* He moved into Amy & Pocks and eventually I relaized how fucked up Ryan was and I fell out of love with him just like that, but I fell into a friendship with him that was extremly unhealthy. He convinced me that we NEEDED each other. Truth be told, he needed a doctor and I needed to run for the hills. I didnt, what did I do I moved us into my brothers house, why? because my brothers wife would be starting school soon 3 hours away, she would be living there and coming home some weekends. I was worried about him being left alone. He has PTSD, and I knew that his outburst were controllable, but not always. I was afraid that he was going to hurt himself, or that he would need someone. Simpply put he needed me, way more then Pock and Amy did.

I feel like im always doing things to please other people, and I vowed to myself to never be that person again. To be the person who does things for herself, not other people. The person who knows what is important and that they matter. Thats the girl I used to be a little self centered with a good head on my shoulders. I loved being loud and crazy. I loved taking pictures and capturing every moment of everything because ilfe was to good not to reflect on. Then I found myself not wanting to reflect on life cause it was to painful. That being said I feel like I'm ready this time. Not sure where my life will lead me. If it will be a new career, a new relationship, a new town. Im just ready. I feel like I dont live for anyone but myself. I dont rely on anyone and I dont let people rely on me. Im a yes girl, I say yes to every thing that comes my way, why? because #YOLO

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