Thursday, March 14

My random thoughts

I'm almost 26.
I'm have no real education.
I haven't been Able to find someone to love me.
How did this happen, how did I let this happen.
I never though I'd be that girl. The girl who didn't know her next step or not have an answer to life. I feel to old to be doing what I'm doing in life. Everyone of my friend's seems to have it figured out or atleast seem to. There all in love, so I guess that's my biggest issue. I'm lonley I want to feel the love that they feel. I want a man to look at my and not only want me forever but can show it to. I've never talked about my ex before on here and what happened. Long story short he promised me the world, he promised he never hurt me. He waited 5 years to be with me and when I told him I was falling for him he left. No phone calls no msgs nothing. He walked out of my life never my heart. I was devastated still am. Now I have all these fears that I'm never going to be able to allow myself to feel like this.

A few months back a friend of mine told him he liked me and if it wasn't for his past where he caught an STD he would of asked me out, I laughed and thought I would never date ur one of my best guy friends, get real. Then I realized it wasn't just him, it was more me. I didnt want to date him because I didn't want to get hurt, I didn't want to take the chance of having someone else decide I'm not worth being with.

The being loved by a man issue is the least of my worries I feel like when I looked into the future when I was a kid I thought when I turned 26 I'd be happily married, not that I'd be asking myself am I capable of being loved. Your parents are the first ppl to fall in luv with you, there suppose to love you unconditionally. There not suppose to ask you to leave at 16 because ur not able to understand ur child. And there not suppose to just walk away and stop talking to u when u ask for answers and get closure on ur past. I feel silly and ungrateful for complaining about my parents because God gave me my Amy & pock and I couldn't be more grateful they way my life turned out.

I just can't help the way I feel or make since of it, but the point of my blog is to have something to reflect back on to understand where I came from when I can't remember

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