Sunday, October 28

Random Things, Wk 3 ..

Welcome to anther wk of my random things!

Last week was "3 legitimate fears", You can find that post "Here"

This Week,
3. Describe your relationship with your parents.

The one with my father is simple.
There isn't one. I made my bed and I sleep like a baby With no regrets and I don't mind sayin'. Long story short, my father went 15 years denying a child. My little brother, and I didn't know. Every weekend I got to go to my dads, every christmas I got to go to my dads, all the family trips I got to go on with my other siblings my little brother didnt get to experience any of it. My father would tell us that his wife hated the thought of other children being in the house, and it was hard enough for her to accept me there. Which I believe because she treated me like shit, my entire life. So he was always making up these lies and reasons my little brother couldn't come. It wasn't until almost 2 years ago my older brother finally came out and said to me, the reason my little brother wasn't apart of anything was only because our father had lied to the entire family and said that my little brother wasnt his child that he was fathered by another man. This news tore me apart, my dad was my best friend. The one person Id HAVE to go to advice for before I did it, not because he was my father and I felt I should but because he was a great listener and always gave the best advice. Then just like that the man I thought I knew had lied to me. For the last 18 years, he looked me in the face everyday, looked my brother in the face and lied. I have no respect for him, I went thru a huge depression sprial I couldn't eat think sleep work, but I could cry. I cried so hard to the point where I didn't think I could cry anymore. I've never felt that kind of hurt, the thing that hurt the most was I didn't think he was going to come clean or explain any of it. So finally I called him out on it, I wrote him a email. I said

"Why couldn't you just choosen 1 family only. Why did you have to mess my life up like that. I went years without talking to my sister, you always made her out to be evil to me. Just like her mother you'd say to me. When she treated you and acted and responded that way she did to me to because she didnt understand. I dont understand. I dont think you even understand. For whatever reason she took her frustration and disapointment in you out on me. Which I guess is understandable for a child. Then befor we knew it we were teenagers, then adults. We just didnt know how to be sisters. We werent taught that. When I was younger I use to have to see the pain in his eyes when he watched me leave to visit you, but the joy he felt when I came home. I never asked if he was sad because I was going or because he couldnt.
I just never could figure it out. Then I put it all together. Your an idiot. You dont think of you actions. Inside you spend years trying to hide your past. Why did you tell Dee jordan wasnt yours. Thats the worst news I've ever heard. I hope its not true. If it is your pathetic! There is no reason in the world great enough to deny my amazing wonderful brillant young brother. "

His responce
"Hi Kalleen ,

I cannot say that I blame you for what you feel, I would not blame you for what you have stated in your letter, there is one advice that I would take form you and that is move away from the situation that I am in right now, I guess you all have been talking about my situation with Dee, because I went to see Jonelle last night and she was not so happy to see me, she told me that you all have sending emails to each other, and after reading what you wrote, I now know that I have lost my kids. the next time you speak to John ask him about the family his grandmother broke up to be with his grandfather, and ask him about the family his grandfather broke up to be with Dee's mom, non of us are perfect, but we all have faults, I am not saying what I did was right but people should looked at where they are coming from before there accused others, ask him who is uncle Benn's dad is (Don't ask him) it's just to let you know his Dee's mom was not the woman people think she is. "

REALLY thats what you have to say when I ask why you hurt me so bad. Because other familes were wore apart. well guess what dear father, ur a fucking sorry excuse for a man. I found the truth out oct '10, I wrote the letter in march, 11. That was the last thing either of us said to each other, untill april'12 when my sister had easter at her place. He said hello told me how different but great I looked, I had a new phone he asked a few questions about it and everyone ate then he left. 3 months later on my birthday he sent me a facebook msg saying happy birthday askin if I was free if we could meet up. I didnt respond I feel happy with my answer. If he didnt care enough to make my little brother apart of his life growning up, I dont see the point of having him in my life either.

The relationship with my mom is weird.
When I was 14 we were fine, no problems typical mother - daughter relationship. When my grandfather died she lost it. Phone bills stopped getting paid, there was never food in the house, laundry never got done, and the house would never be clean. We started arguing all the time, more and more. She got an online boyfriend, who lived in the states and convienced her to move there when I was 15, she said with or without you im moving ive lived for you long enough its time for me to lie my own life. I'll never forget those words, or my next thought, 'im 15!'. After that the relationship between her and I was over, there was no going back. I couldnt stand looking at her, how could I she was actualky so cold as if I had done something wrong. Little did I know I would have to look at her face much longer anyway. Like she said, with or without me shes moving on. She did just that, she waitied till I had a school trip knowing I would be out of town and she left. She took my little brother there belongings and she left me. When I came home and found she had left me I couldnt believe it, I wouldnt I looked all over the apt she didnt leave anything behind she would of wanted she was gone. 2 weeks later, hundreds of phone calls, dead end msn convos, getting told by police offices I was lying, I finally found them, in Vermont. When she finally came home I had no respect I could stand this women. She made my life hell, but worse she took my little brother. It go so bad between us finally she asked me to leave. I moved in with my Amy and never looked back. When I moved in I was nevous, angry, hurt, confused, I felt tired and worst of all I felt unloved. I had no self confidence, had no goals, and I just had this I dont care attutide. All that changed. It took along time to move past it, espically since she did it to my younger brother too. She left him with a sitter and peaced out out canada for a week, no forwarding number no reason why. Everytime I woukd go overe there to hangout or for dinner id leave in a fight. I had no resepct for this women I still hated her at the end of the day and almost everytime id go to her house it would end in a fight. It was till about 2 years ago when I started coming around more for my brothers sake. I knew it wasnt fair to not be around him because of our mother so I made a effort. It was a small step. Infact this year a few months ago we were able to actually say I love you to each.

I concider myself to be lucky that those things happen to me. Some feel bad for me and offer try to comfort me. I dont need to be comforted anymore, im 25 I had a tough life. The one thing I got to learn is what it really means to be a parent. I know how I want to raise my kids, and what ill be looking for in a parenter.

I look at it this way, how many ppl can say they have the set of parents that had them. And they have the set of parents that WANTED them. I can.

Amy took me in when I was at my lowest point. She steps in when my mother steps out. She loved me when I needed it, listened to me, she yelled at me and punished me. All the things ur supose to exprience but I didnt. Along with amy came pock. Who accepted me just as much. He was there anytime I needed him, and when I disapointed him sometimes it made me feel worse then when I woukd disapoint Amy, notsure why it just did. Amy and geoff have there own kids, one together hudson. Amy has one other son jacob. Geoff has to other daughters meghan and taylor. I have never once in the last 9 years felt anything but equal to them. It must of been hard to not be able to spoil your own children, when you have a teenager there to. Yet I got it all, they got something electronic so did I. New shoes, me too. I also got quite time with them. Amy, Geoff and I had a great relationship I have have some moments where its just amy and I. Id tell her everything I felt, sometimes that would happen with geoff too. Plenty times it was the 3 of us. It didnt stop there geoffs mom became interested in my life too. Same as Amys family, the side that wasnt related to me. Side I never really knew started buy xmas gifts and saying happy birthday.

A few years ago I told geoff I was forever greatfull for him, that no matter what was going on in life he was always there for me. He turned to me and said, you know thats they way ive always hoped you would feel. When amy was so mad at me for something I did, and I was asking for forgivness, she said to me, just because you didnt come out of my vajaja doesnt mean I dont concider you my own.

I feel so blessed that I got that 2nd chance, that I got to feel the love that I was looking for. I know I deserved, I dont doubt my real parents dont love me they just know how to show it.

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