Thursday, May 30

Its not okay..

Since "Its okay.." is over I figured Id talk about something that I'm not okay with..basically being called a liar, and feeling like I dont matter. That my thoughts are unrealistic, that I cant do it..

I'm not okay with how Jacob took the news that I'm moving to Calgary, and how Amy & Geoff responded.
- Jacob basically kept acting like I'd never see him again, at first I was laughing because I thought he was kidding. However, when he left the next day to his dads and I was saying Ill see ya next time *because i never say goodbye, its not goodbye its see you later* and he turned to me and said "you're leaving and I'll never see you after that so whats the difference between now and then. I said "about 7 weeks dip shit". I could tell he meant it, I could hear in his voice that he was really upset by it. I didn't know what else to say, I wish I didn't say what I said, its litterly that last thing I said to him. I hope he comes to terms with it. I can understand how its going to be hard not seeing me. I've been there every day for the last 14 years. I've never missed anything he wanted me to see, I never said no to anything he asked me no matter the time, or cost. He means so much to me, leaving him is going to be really hard. I know I can do it, I have to do it. Lives about taking chances, and making mistakes, not that I think moving to Calgary would be a mistake however its always in the back of my mind that this could be, however I cant help but think that this could be the best thing!
I told Amy in text, and she didn't really respond. Which was weird because she always has something to say. So I wait a few hours, and recv'd a MSG that was discussing the sex of my friends baby. HELLO?! I just told you I'm moving away, and you want to discuss the sex of my best friends baby? umm no? So I ask her if she got the last MSG, her response ..ya. AM I EVER FEELING THE LOVE. I MSG my mother looking for all the encouraging words that Ive gotten from everyone else so far. Yet she cant and wont even discuss it. I offered to come over the following weekend to talk about it. That's where the conversation ended, and only was there so I could know the boys schedule for their sports that week. I was dumb-founded.
So finally after about a week of no discuss I went over to there place to discuss me moving away, every time I mentioned something about it Amy either ignored what I said, or just rolled her eyes at the comment. I finally just stopped talking about it since it was clear no one else wanted to, or care to.
Until I was getting beyond annoyed with my cell phone because it kept freezing and I already restarted it like 5 times, so finally I dropped it hard on the ground. When I turned it back on it started to work again. Technology 1, kalleen,0. Until I rec'd 5 MSG in a row and it started to freeze I could only see that Tony has sent me a msg, so I assumed all 5 were from him so obvious. my response was, "WTF are you doing fuuuuck you annoy me", which was said totally out of luv and he knows it. Any who, Pock responds all smart ass like "and you wanna live with him..."
WHAT?! The MSG I sent to Amy said that I was VISITING tony for about 2 weeks before I take a bus to Calgary to live with Mechelle. As I repeated the sms I send to his response they just rolled there eyes and said yeah sure whatever. CONVERSATION NOW OVER!.WTF
No matter how they truly felt about the situation I wanted them to be honest about it, but I didn't want to be mocked. I didn't want to be treated like I was some kid without a care in the world just doing whatever I pleased. I'm a grown women doing that. Which makes it my life, and my choice. I wasn't looking to be made fun of or feel like I'm a idiot. I wanted an actual conversation about it. Instead I was shut down, after that I stopped talking to them about it. There was no point not only were they mocking me, they didn't believe me. Do they really think I was just going to run away to a different place and not tell them where I would be living. The people who I thought knew me the most, just made me question, do they even know me at all?

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