Friday, May 31

Day 31; Err day In may

Friday:A vivid memory

Yesterday when I was riding the bus to work I thought to myself. Should I tell my father I'm leaving the province.What if my father died when I move to Calgary, would I regret it? I cant help but feel that apart of me would regret it. However I bigger part of me says, did he care when he left his wife and children for my mother, did he care when he left my mother and I for them when they moved from south America to here? I'll never know his answers to the questions I'm asking, but if I had to ask my self my answer would be no. Until about 3 years ago, I would of discussed the subject and weighted my pro and cons until I was blue in the face with my father. However it all changed when I found out the truth, when I found out my father was a liar, and a coward. He wasn't the man who I thought he was, over night he became a stranger. My brother and my father never really had a great relationship, in fact my father never had a great relationship with any of my siblings. My brother left to go visit any way, just because they didn't have a great relationship didn't mean that John couldn't try. I got a call from my father that night saying that John had totally disrespected him, had yelled at him punched him, punch holes in the walls just lost it. Kept telling my father everything was his fault. That he ruined our lives. He was so upset that by the words my brother kept telling him. I tried to calm my dad down but he was so upset, he kept asking me over and over if I thought he was a good guy, if I thought he tried as a dad. I told him he did, I told him I loved him and trusted him. I ensured him that John was just having a bad day, and it wasn't really John behaving that way. John has PTSD, sometimes it gets the better of him. I hung up with him when I heard John come home*we lived together* I was beyond pissed that he could treat our father this way, I couldn't believe he could be so cold, so harsh. So Honest. John explained to me that night that he wouldn't, and couldn't hold in his feelings anymore, that he had to tell me the truth. He had to tell me why my sister and I really never got along, why my step monster never looked me in the eye, why I was aloud to go for weekend and summer visit, and on family trips with him and my siblings but my young brother wasn't aloud. It was because our father, had lied. When my father came to Canada he came alone. He met my mom a little while later, and they got engaged and had me. Forward about 4 years later and my dad left. He left to live with his other family, the one he left in south America to come and start his life here. It would of been acceptable however, my father got my mom knocked up, after the fact. Instead of doing what I thought he did and man up to his mistakes, he lied. He denied that child till he was blue in the face. When John told me the news I wanted to puke. I was so disgusted. How dare he act like that, deny my brother the chance to know him and my siblings the way I do. When I found out the truth, when I found out that my father had lied about my brothers biological father, said he wasn't his father to his wife and other children. My brothers whole life he grew up not knowing his siblings, not knowing why he wasn't aloud to come to my fathers house with me. Why he didn't have a relationship with my siblings that I was having. It was all because my father couldn't man up and say he made a mistake, to say to had an affair to his wife. Instead he lied about it, he told everyone behind my back and my brothers back that Jordan just simply wasn't his son. To our face, he was a father. He loved my brother, and my brother loved him. He treated us the same when it was just the two of us, he would tell us Jordan couldn't come because my step monster would be to rude, and my dad didn't want Jordan to get hurt. I went 18 years without knowing the truth, and when I found out I knew I had to tell my brother, it was clear that my father wouldn't. I was at a loss of words, everything I knew was a lie. Everything my dad told me was a lie. How could I trust this man, how could he do this. I cried and cried myself to sleep. I couldnt eat, most days I felt like I couldn't breath. I just sat there and cried in my room all alone, ignoring my brothers calls because I just didn't know how to tell him. Finally I told him, he responded better then I thought he would have. Its like it was a weight off his shoulders, like he finally had all the answers he needed. He knew it wasn't him that the family didn't want to see, he was understanding that because of my father they just didn't know that he was there brother. After the news came out I didn't know how to speak with my father. I couldn't, I had nothing to say to him. He just turned my whole life upside down. Finally I wrote him a letter, asking him why he did it. Why he lied to me, to everyone. Why couldn't he just tell the truth. Didn't he understand his lie has cost my brother a chance to have a relationship with his siblings. He caused so much hurt and confusion for everyone. I asked him why he even needed to cheat in the first place, and why he had to lie about it why he couldn't just tell the truth. His response was some bullshit on how he didn't really know better because that's basically how he was raised, and that he was sorry I felt that way. That was the end, I never spoke with him since. I couldn't reply to the email, the man who I loved, who I based my relationships with man on, who I trusted with my life, who was suppose to guide and protect me in life couldn't even apologize. That's a memory Ill never forget.

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