Wednesday, June 27

Its For The Best

Its official. I've had it with my brother Jay, just about fucking had it. Ugh sometimes I just look at him and wonder just how the hell did you turn out so stupid, then I look at my mother. Its no surprise I cant stand my mother, anyone who leaves there child at the age of 15 to move to the USA doesn't really deserve my respect, and the fact that she left me but brought my brother is something I cant forgive her for. I understand that Jay and I had two different upbringings since I was 16 when I left I was still young enough and had a lot of growing up to do. I was emotionally damaged to no end, and to feel like your not loved by your parent is the worst type of pain a child can feel, that's how I felt. I can only imagine how my brother now 20 feels, he's been dealing with my mom his entire life. He didn't have a Amy like I did to save me, there wasn't anyone to give him hope, or tell him there is a light at the end of the tunnel, that it does get better.

I know that his environment shouldn't be the reason hes becoming nothing in life, but it is. He doesn't see any positive change, everything is so negative. He see's the same people on welfare and disability with no goals in life, and he thinks to himself. I have nothing to live for no one cares, why shouldn't I be like these people at least they all have each other. I want more for him, but he doesn't want more for himself,I'm out of ideas, and new ways to make him want to better himself.

I've acted as the parent, I've acted as the sibling, i've acted as the friend. None of these attempts have made a difference. He just doesn't get it, he doesn't care. Its like imagine your worst day when nothings going to get better, now take those people of out it that make that hardest day worth getting thru, now how do you feel. Alone, empty worthless. That's how he feels everyday.

Now add something like family issues on top, the child's father(who's also my father) denies him behind his back. It took our father 15 years to tell his wife and 3 other children that he did in fact knock up my mother again. The entire time growing up, it was always me who went for weekend visits with dad, it was me who got to take the family trips with our father and our siblings. Why because my father couldn't man up before hand and admit to his wife that he cheated on her again( he cheated on her with my mom, had me then got back with his wife when she moved here from south america with my other 3 siblings) instead, he lies to them. Said that Jay simply wasn't his kid, but to jays face, my face and our mothers face it was because his wife was a bitch, and just simply didn't want Jay around. Imagine telling that to a child.

Now we have a child who's father denies him, Who's mother is complete off her fucking rocker, sibling who don't know what to do with him because its been to long and there's so much confusion and pain that all of us siblings have for our parents, that its hard to see past that and try to have a relationship with each other, were trying believe me for the love of God we are trying.

Since we all found out about the news last oct, its been really hard on everyone. I stopped talking to my dad, and worked on building a better relationship with my sister now that I understood her and the situation a little better ( I could never get past our siblings treating jay like he didn't belong, when all along they didn't know he did) I still to this day remember telling Jay the truth. It took me weeks to tell him, it was horrible i was a mess how was I suppose to look this child in the eye and tell him that his father is single handily responsible for ruining his childhood. I wasn't I shouldn't of. Our father should of, but if he couldn't man up to this, and he couldn't man up to me after I confronted him about it, Then I knew only I could and should tell him, I couldn't imagine if it came from someone else, and Jay knew that I knew the truth, I felt he wouldn't forgive me.

The way that Jay handles situation is to act out, its always been like that. The more you act out the more attention you get. Well after awhile your attention seeking gets old, and you start looking for bigger and better ideas. Like the time you sold pills to a girl who almost over dossed and just slipped thru the cracks of her parents not suing you. Or the time he found the money beside a store that was just robbed a few hours before. He just keeps getting worse, because hes not getting caught, I don't know how he gets away with shit every time, but he does. I even went as far as handing him over to the police station with written and video statement from myself and my bestfriend, indicatng that he was holding stolen property from a breakin that he was "3-rd party" involved with. Nothing was done about it, which speaks volumes for our police department, but that's another story.

My mother never gave a shit about anything I did, or my brother. She attempted to control him after I left but he taunter her with" you already lost one child, you don't want to lose another". After that she started giving him anything he wanted, she had no control still doesn't. This past October he got into a really bad car wreck he was sitting behind the passenger and was pinned in the car for a few hours while they attempted to get him out and save the other girls life. Ever since the accident he can complete a sentence without really trying to think, and its getting worse. He has uncontrollable fits of rage, and doesn't know how to control it. His nightmares he wont talk about because everyone just dies he says.

This kid has nothing to live for and it shows, and he thinks it. He does thought, he has me. He always has me, Ill never give up, but I wont sit back and watch this any more. I'm the one who loses sleep and gets stressed. No one else just me, I'm not a parent. I don't want to be one that's why I don't have children, I never wanted to be responsible for someone else life, but what do you do when you love someone so much, and you see all the help they need but they don't see it, and there's no one else to help you help them.

A few weeks ago, I got a msg from one of his good girlfriends, saying that she couldn't stay quit anymore and that she knows Jay needs help, she see's him slipping and hanging out with people that aren't his friends, that are bringing him down and using him. She said she's telling me this because last week, Jay couldn't live with the regret that he feels from the accident (he let the girl sit upfront when they picked her up, he feels if he sat up front then the girl would be physically okay, and he would be the one paralyzed) He attempted to kill himself on the railroad tracks. Since then I told him he has 3 options, get help in belleville, move to Trenton and get help with me and mom, or move to Calgary. He opted for staying in Belleville, I agreed, but told him the moment he screws up, were doing things my way. Well low behold, he calls me on Monday because now hes up on charges for stolen property, and the guy that set him up was his "best friend" . YEAH. FUCKIN. RIGHT

Mind you this is always the kid who's siblings I know, and who's siblings parents I know> Were all the same fucking age, I paried with these kids to, but i never made them my friend. I told my brother there no good kids, I told him they only watch out for number one, that they'd be quick as shit to thru him under the bus, boy was I right. There the biggest trailer trash, too many babies making mommas , waste of space, I've ever seen.

So this is my new master plan, just gotta run it by my auntie tonight!I'm staging a intervention. Invited myself, my mom, a few of his Friends that I KNOW have been there for him, and his girlfriend. Everyone has already agreed' that he needs help, and I'm hoping that everyone will write a letter on why they think he should get help. Then without giving him a option, were flying to Calgary,AB. For the first time in our life's, I'm going to sit down and openly discuss with my mother, and brother why we are the way we are. Hopefully if all goes good, while Jays in Calgary, my mother will pack up all there belongings in there apartment, and move to the same town I'm in. Away from his "friends" away from all the trouble hes been finding himself in, once he completes the treatment in Calgary, he can move back to Trenton and live with my mom, Well that's my plans for the child, hopefully this works because ... I'm all out of options

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