Thursday, October 4

True Feelings

I've been trying to write this post for a while, but I just couldn't find out how to put my words together. So bare with me.

This blog was always meant to be a journal, with all these link ups I've been posting I feel like I'm losing the point of the blog. With my last blog I could pull up any post and remember exactly how I felt when I was writing it. With most of the post I've been posting lately doesn't really go into detail of my life. So I figured I should start "getting back to basic".

A few things I've been wanted to post about; my brother & father.

If your new to this blog Ill give you a little back ground.

Jordan aka Jay is my life. The reason I continue to do good in my life. One of the few people I care if I upset or disappoint.

His issue is that my father never cared and thats all he wanted. My parents were both together when I was born but then my father had left my mother, got back with his wife(which was unknown by my mother at that point). My parents were still doing it anyway, and along came Jordan. My father couldn't tell his wife that he cheated on her..again. So he lied about it. Said that jordan simply wasn't his, however he never admitted this.

Jay & I spent years not understanding why I could go to OUR dads for weekend visits and holidays, and why OUR dad only took home the gifts I made him, but would always conviently leave the ones my brother made for him. It really had a effect on jordan, and the way my mom treated him. She felt like any mother she need to pick up the support and comfort Jay a little more then me. After I wasn't living there anymore it got worse, he was a silver spoon baby. 10 years later he finds out the truth, finds out that the man he loves so much, and calls dad didn't love him back enough to admit he was his. Not only that, he didn't have enough balls, and still doesn't have enough balls to actually admit it, or simply explain himself. Our older brother came and finally told me the truth.

See this lie effected everyone. My step monster had a feeling what the truth was, and it cause issues in my dads marriage. It cause issues between my sister and I. And there was no relationship with my other sisters or my brother john with my brother Jay. They simply just didn't understand was he or wasn't her there brother, and if he was there brother, why was our father lying about it. As a child its extremely confusing. One day John just couldn't handle it anymore, he had a huge fight with our father, which resulted in John telling me the truth. That he denied my brother. My amazing wonderful brother he's denied since day one. I waited for my father to come clean seeing how the truth was on the table. He wouldn't admit it, wouldn't speak of it. Face to face or email. I wasn't going to sit about and watch my lil bro go thru this anymore. I had to tell him the truth.

It had a huge impact on Jay and its really had for him to get thru it. Last october he was in a really bad car crash, the car wrapped around a light post going at least 100km/h. He wasn't driving he just met the driver that night, he was a friend of a friend. Since the accident Jay hasn't been the same, he gets mad so easily, or he's really happy when you except him not to be. He has nighteres that keep my mom up, he's always screaming about the accident and how he doesn't want to die. He says sometimes when he's having a conversation he draws a complete blank and thoughts of the accident come into play and thats all he can think of, he says somethings he even feels the pain of the accident when these thoughts come thru his head. The other night he called me crying because he's so lost in life and doesn't know where to go, or what to do. He told me he's not saying he wants to die, but he cant say he wants to live. What do you say to that. I was at a loss of words. When your brother tells you he doesn't want to live anymore, what answer can you give him. I try telling him its okay, but I really wish I could see jesus' plan to ensure him it will be okay.

The other night he called me, I could tell something was wrong but i figured Id here him out and see if he tells me whats wrong. DID HE EVER! He listed all his fears. All his problems, the issues he has with our mom. How he feels like he has no support that he knows he hangs out with the wrong people but when the wrong people are gone, he has noone there and he says he cant take that feeling. Even on my darkest days I always felt there was still someone around who cared. I cant imagine what my brothers going thru to feel like no one cares about you. Since the accident last year I noticed his want to live has decrease, its taken a major part of his life not for the better. I guess thats what a near death experience does to you. I just wish there was more ways I could help.

He knows he has a problem, I know he has a problem. I just half to accept I cant help him with his, unless he lets me help him!

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